Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
