When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
