Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
