Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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