I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
