I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
