he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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