btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
