she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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