Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize