Pappa wants mamma naked
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
