i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
