I think I died a long time ago.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
