i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
