I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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