Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
