ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
