I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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