I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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