After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
