...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
