Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
