I don't usually arrange sex via text message
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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