found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
