i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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