his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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