fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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