She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
