if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
