so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
