It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
