the condom got lost in my hair
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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