i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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