I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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