I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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