dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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