you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
