The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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