i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
