I met the friendliest cop last night
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
