I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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