You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
