Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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