Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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