i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
