The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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