well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
