I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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