she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
