Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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